Phoenix International Raceway
November 12, 2010
“Wired Pink, Wired Blue”
Bob & Kathy Butcher
Men & women respond differently because of the way God wired them.
Let’s look at these differences very briefly. Kathy & I just began facilitating a seven week course at church back home. We want to bring a few of the strengths and wisdom of these classes to you.
You remember the Beatles sang “all you need is love” & society went ga-ga over that kind of thinking. We absolutely disagree with that conclusion. 5 out of 10 marriages are ending in divorce because love alone is not enough!
A wife has one driving need — to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need — to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. What do you want for your marriage? Want some peace? Want to feel close? Want to feel valued? Want to experience marriage the way God intended? Then why not try some Love and Respect.
Let’s talk about this today: (But at best we will only touch on 10% of this)
“Men & Women are built & wired as different as a Ford, Chevy, Dodge, & Toyota are. Yeah, there are similarities, but the parts are rarely interchangeable & are often confusing if you do not adhere to the manual.” Well let us just say that men & women are in the same category
That world becomes like pink & blue. You can never make one the other!
That is where scripture can begin to help us understand if we dig deep.
1 Corinthians 7:28 (NIV) “…those who marry will face many troubles in this life…” We can read this hundreds of times yet miss the point! The warning is plain and dead on target to both men & women, but God in His wisdom dives into the matter to help us out …IF we look & dig.
Did you know that God does not command a wife to agape-love her husband? Only the husband is commanded to agape-love his wife. Let’s look at this key point. Agape-love is that God style unconditional love.
The first key is point blank in Ephesians 5:33 about men and women concerning marriage:
- –“Each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, …
…and the wife must respect her husband.” (NIV)
o Note that scripture speaks to the husband about his wife first and then it speaks to the wife afterward.
- Women respond to LOVE:
- Men respond to RESPECT
- Then, the deep point blank key is that THESE are COMMANDS!
A husband is to obey the command to love his wife even if his wife does not obey this command to respect, and a wife is to obey the command to respect even if he does not obey the command to love.
- There is NO justification for the husband to say “I will love my wife after she respects me” nor for a wife to say “I will respect my husband after he loves me.”
So, you see that Paul shares God’s secret that a wife MUST respect her husband. That is his summary statement on marriage to the wife in the most significant discourse on marriage in the New Testament.
Then Peter reveals in 1 Peter 3:1-2 that a wife’s respectful behavior motivates her husband – even an undeserving one – to open his heart to God and to his wife: “Even if any of them are disobedient to the Word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your …respectful behavior.”
☺Disclaimer: As we say this please remember these are a generality, NOT representing EVERY guy or gal.
The trouble is that not learning & obeying this unconditional command easily sends the relationship into a Crazy Cycle where the husband feels disrespected so he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife & when the wife feels unloved she has the natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. And the cycle goes round & round. They ask in their minds:
- “Does he love me as much as I love him”? In her opinion he needs to change into a more sensitive & caring man so she complains & criticizes to motivate him to become more loving. She has changed from the ever-approving woman when they dated. Now she doesn’t approve and she’s letting him know it.
- On the other hand the guy doesn’t ask if she loves him, he knows she does but takes on the thought “Does she even like me anymore? Her dislike is interpreted as disrespect & even contempt so he decides to motivate his wife to become more respectful by acting in unloving ways!
Both responses are about as effective as racing on 13 inch street tires out here this weekend and expecting good results! – I.e. insanity!
Lets look at “Breaking the Wiring Code” – yes, the pink & blue wiring. Simple examples:
- She says she has nothing to wear (she means she has nothing new)
- He says he has nothing to wear ( he means he has nothing clean)
We see things out of our own needs and perceptions – the pink & blue!
Consider the following example of deciphering code between each other:
A wife begins to wonder as their 10th Anniversary arrives whether he will remember. Too many times in the past he forgot despite the little hints or big hints. But on the day, with no hints at all, he remembers! He made a dash for Hallmark and gazes over the racks of cards until one catches his eye. Skimming the words, he just knows that this card is her. Perfect, no doubt about it! So off he goes toward home rejoicing and proud of himself, eager to sign it, put hearts all over it and seal it with a smooth saying on the envelope by her name.
He gets her into the kitchen away from their party guests in the living room and beaming ear to ear he hands it to her & she is so happy – he remembered! She tears open the card and begins to read …until her face falls, eyes turn cold, and countenance dark. What’s wrong? He asks. Nothing! There is too, so what’s wrong? Nothing is wrong. Yes there is, I can see it. Well then …it’s nice, but …it’s a birthday card!
You’re kidding! Grabbing it from her he looks deeper …and …No way …unbelievable! He totally misses his wife’s hurt, anger and knows he meant well …especially well. Aw honey, give me a break. It was an honest mistake.
Give you a break? …An honest mistake? Oh, it was a mistake all right, because you don’t care! If you took your car in to be detailed and they missed the minutest thing, you would notice. Why? Because you care about it. You don’t care about our anniversary. You don’t care about me!
Now he can’t believe it. He has been on the defensive and is moving from feeling guilty to getting angry. Things are escalating fast into conflict. She has assassinated his character now.
- Women see, think & hear through pink glasses & hearing aids.
o All the women around understand think or say “She is so sweet. I can’t believe it. Men are so brain dead, they just don’t get it!”
- Men see, think & hear through blue glasses & hearing aids.
o All the men can’t believe the way she talks to him. “Good grief, it’s no big deal, get over it woman!”
Later that night after everyone has left she comes back to him:
Talk to me!” commands the wife.
The husband retorts, “I don’t want to talk about it.” He exits the room.
She follows him to talk. He does not give her access to his heart. He closes her off. It is as though he is an island around which she paddles but he does not permit her to land. She is in disbelief. She is seeking to do the loving thing by communicating but he lacks interest in responding. She thinks, “How can he be so unloving?” She is hurt, confused, angry and frightened.
This wife’s motivation is to increase the feelings of love between them. This is her ultimate goal. But her husband does not seem to be motivated by her loving efforts in the way she expects.
All too often today wives complain: “My husband’s stonewalling and angry withdrawal had gotten so bad that I was ready to just walk away from the marriage so that in the last days of my life I could have some peace.”
- Men hear criticism as Contempt
- Women feel silence as Hostility
*** Did you know women are divorcing their husbands two to three times more than husbands are divorcing their wives? The walk away wife is real, and for many who don’t leave, they dream about it.
There are solutions to what we see in these situations.
Here is the secret – a secret hidden in plain sight! A husband does not lack the knowledge that he is to love his wife. She tells him that she needs to feel his love. What he lacks is motivation.
The secret is this: A husband is motivated to love in response to a wife showing him unconditional respect.
It goes back to the Love & Respect of Ephesians 5:33 and 1 Peter 3: 1-2
1 Corinthians 7:33-34: “A good willed married man is concerned about how to please his wife & the good willed wife is concerned about how she may please her husband.”
So lets look deeper into the Pink & Blue Wiring
Matthew 19:4: “The Creator made them male & female.” (very different)
Then in 1 Peter 3:7 Peter instructs husbands to treat wives in a specific way “since she is a woman.”
You can see the beginning of this difference of Pink & Blue as babies!
Let’s take our grandkids as examples.
Hannah is our newest and take a moment and look down at her. Quickly, it is eye to eye and all smiles and tries to communicate.
Kira …how many times she has taken my head in her hands and pulled me eye to eye with her and wants me to pay attention …and she isn’t even two yet! My girls want eye to eye communication and focus & I am still working on that with them. And, I have to work at it too!
Then, take my boys Taren (2-1/2 and Elijah (3 on Dec 10th). You looked down at them and you had to work at keeping their attention in their crib. They might look at you a moment or two but then almost immediately something else caught their eye and had their attention.
Still today, the boys truly mimic most any guy that has not worked hard to learn how to look you in the eye and communicate. The boys, and most guys are totally more comfortable with shuffling their feet & kicking at the dirt or something available then focus on you.
Take saying “I’m sorry” for another example. Kira is immediate and looks you into the eyes saying it. The boys? Well, you know they are sorry and are disturbed at their behavior, but to get them to say it and look you in the eyes is almost impossible. I am proud of my daughters for keeping on top of them, but it is amazing that s soon as Chad or Joe express this demand to the boys it gets complied with.
As they grow both Pink & Blue fit into their wiring profile and into their “wiring bundle” (or their place in their peer group) easily.
Consider this from my male point: One of the most amazing things around our home these days and for many years now I have experienced all the gals on the same wave length without saying a word! Kathy & her sister and our girls are all busting up over something and just have to look at each other and break out laughing or totally on track to a completely different subject at any given moment while us guys sort of stand there …”what?” And the girls just laugh at us.
Another difference comes to light in their desire for total communication. I mean women will talk to the N-th degree discussing the subject or problem with each other. Every part of the subject is dissected and worked out in their minds.
Take this point into another realm and take note of the way they face each other when they talk. They face each other and look each other in the eyes.
Then look at a bunch of guys watching a game or something. They sit side by side and lack having to look each other in the eye.
Then, as a woman, have you ever taken note of how much guys leave out of the subject of conversation? Guys know exactly has been meant without saying it!
But this is different from the way I see my girls interact the way that I explained earlier. That seems to me more of a Pink Code, period!
Us guys just function that way. That’s why when a guy comes home it’s “Hi honey, how was your day?” “Good.” Well tell me about what made your day good.” And when they get the typical male, two or three word response, or grunts, they can take it as unloving and almost like the silent treatment.
Welcome to just a couple of ways men & women differ and are misunderstood to the point of frustration.
Guys: Let’s look at a quick list of what your wife wants from you that says I Love You: ( These are the Top 2 responses from survey)
- Closeness – She wants you to be close
o Hold my hand
o Hug me
- Openness – She wants you to open up to her
o Share your feelings
o Tell me about your day & challenges
- Understanding – Don’t try to “Fix” her or the issue – Just Listen!
o Listen to me (know when to give advice & when not to solve my problems
o Repeat back what I say sometimes so I know you’re listening to me
- Peacemaking – She wants you to say, “I’m Sorry”
o Admit you are wrong and apologize by saying “I’m sorry” (which is a turn on to a woman)
o Keep a relationship up to date, resolve the unresolved, and don’t say “forget it”
- Loyalty – She needs to know you are Committed
o Don’t look at other women
o Speak only positive things about me before family and friends
- Esteem – She wants you to Honor and Cherish Her
o Verbally support & honor me in front of the children
o Praise me for what I do for you
Gals: Let’s look at a quick list of how to Respect your Husband: (Top 2 responses from survey)
- Conquest – Appreciate his Desire to Work & Achieve
o Tell me thanks for going to work every day for the family
o Cheer my successes whether in business or sports
- Hierarchy – Appreciate His Desire to Protect & Provide
o Say to me “I really do look up to you for feeling responsible for me”
o Tell me that you are deeply touched by the thought “Id die for you”
- Authority – Appreciate His Desire to Serve & to Lead
o Tell me I’m strong when you squeeze my muscle (it’s symbolic)
o Praise my good decisions
- Insight – Appreciate His Desire to Analyze & Counsel
o Thank me for my advice and knowledge
o Let me fix things and applaud my solution orientation
- Relationship – Appreciate His Desire for Shoulder to Shoulder Friendship
o Tell me you like me
o Do recreational activities with me, or watch me do them*
* in this sport Gals, spend time in the shop with your guy as they work on the car. Sit next to them and read, play on Facebook, play go-fer, or even file your fingernails & paint them. It’s a turn on to us guys.
We don’t have time here and therefor we urge you to either get this book or attend a seminar;
“Love & Respect”
Dr. Emerson Eggriches
Publisher: Thomas Nelson 2004
Bibliography / References / Helps:
First & Foremost: The Bible
New International Version
New American Standard
YWAM (Youth With A Mission)
MRO (Motor Racing Outreach)
Church On The Hill, Salem OR
Life Church, Salem OR
Love and Respect
Rev. Emerson Eggerichs Ph.D.
Love and Respect Ministries, Inc.